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16 Jan 2010

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As a grandfather of four hyperactive lads, I have modified my views on the necessary discipline for children. My two daughters were never exposed to today's free-for-all TV shows which expose children to spectacles that emphasize violence, betrayal and sex. I now proudly watch them as mothers struggling successfully to cope with the demands of their profession and the requirements of educating four restless boys.

Some experts have recommended using material rewards to get children to obey their parents. Others suggest using applicable punishments, including physical ones, to obtain the same results. "I'll buy you the IPod if you behave," is a phrase that many overwhelmed mothers use to control their brood. "I'll tell your father what you did," is another tool on the punishment side that sometimes works if the father plays his role as Mr. Spanker. There are, however, two big problems with these approaches.

Giving money or a toy in exchange for momentary obedience is a type of positive reinforcement that will create materialistic monsters. Gone are the social values of respecting parents, of doing "the right thing", of developing self-discipline, of placing love and altruism as the main motivators. That, of course, does not exclude using material gifts as proof of affection. The key is in the child's perception that this toy is not a reward (I hate the popular "Santa won't bring anything if you don't behave") for his/her obedience, but simply a token of his parents' love. A hug or a kiss usually works even better to reassure the child that he/she is loved.

Conditioning children the way animal trainers do when placing the biscuit in the dog's mouth after the animal has performed the trick is an aberration. And yet millions of mothers and fathers do this every day: "I just want him/her to be quiet", is the classic response. Actually, the conditioning isn't so much of the child as it is of the parents. The baby cries in his crib and mother rushes over to pick him up and soothe him in her warm embrace. Guess what! The baby has just started conditioning his mother, "knowing" that she will respond instantly to his demands.

On the side of punishment, I have become convinced that sometimes a good spanking is the most efficient tool to end undesirable behavior. Not for babies and not for teens, obviously, but for the in-between years, say from 3 year-old to 10 year-old. This is the stage known as "Industry vs. Inferiority", a term coined by the famous psychoanalyst Erik Erikson. He says that the child develops a sense of worth during those years ("Am I good at what I do? It is therefore absolutely essential not to affect the child's self-esteem at that stage (I lowered Erikson's stage to 3 year-old because today's children are going to school at an earlier age).

The spanking (or the slap on the wrist) must be given immediately after the misbehavior in order to obtain the desired result. I know that many parents (and other ordinary passer-bys) would be indignant if they saw a mother spank her little girl at the supermarket. Do not confuse a mild spanking, which hurts pride more than flesh, with the beating a mother gave her daughter in her SUV in a parking lot (caught on tape). We never punish out of anger or revenge, but out of love.

One of the most important values that a child must develop from day 1 is Trust. That absolute trust in his mother grows out of their very close relationship, also known as imprinting. The similarity with mammals is striking in this case. A pup or a kitten will follow their mother everywhere, although a human baby can only react to sounds and touch. If that trust is not established during the first 18 months of life, devastating consequences will follow for the child, the teen and the adult. They will never be able to trust anybody or establish any kind of lasting relationship. That is why new mothers should never be allowed to leave their infant child alone during that period. If they have a job, the company should have facilities set up for them and their baby. New laws may be necessary to compel businesses to offer such amenities.

As we observe today's youth, as we learn of horrific crimes committed by teens in their schools, as we watch the proliferation of harmful drugs, we can only wonder if we are not doing something wrong as parents. Going back to time-tested methods of discipline may restore our faith in honor and respect, thus giving our children the model they so desperately yearn to follow. Making more money as a family should not take precedence over educating our young ones properly.

Born in Switzerland many years ago and now living in Brownsville, Tx, where I teach special education in a local high school. I love my job and the challenges involved in making a difference for so many bright kids who struggle to overcome their disabilities.

I have followed education topics and international politics for the past 25 years and have lived in Europe and Latin America before settling in the U.S.

My e-mail: rivera.jcs@gmail.com

My blog: http://rivera2007.freeblogit.com